Snape and 2 babies equals Chaos!
by VirginSerpent
Summary: Harry and Draco are turned into babies in potions class...What will Snape do about baby-Malfoy's sadistic need to bug the other baby, and Harry's helplessness that awakes unusual feelings in our favourite Potions Master.
1. Accident

This is something I started writing in German-class when I was bored...Thought I'd share it with you all...I'll try to update my stories more often!

It was a chilly afternoon in the dungeons. Harry Potter, a young wizard, was attempting to concoct a potion with his partner, Neville Longbottom. Only, Neville never was any good at potions...

"Hey, Neville? Did you add the bazoar yet?" Harry asked nervously.

Neville looked bewildered.

"But...but, I thought the moongrass went first?"

"Moongrass?? That's not even an ingredient in this potion!" Harry panicked.

Ok, take it easy, Harry,´ he told himself sternly.

"I'll add it now, H-Harry", Neville stammered, and reached for a worm right next to the bezoar.

"NO, Neville – that's not a bezo-..." But Harry couldn't say anymore, for Neville had already dropped it into the cauldron. He was now white as a sheet.

The potion bubbled dangerously. The bubbles got bigger and bigger, and suddenly the cauldron exploded.

Harry got covered in stinking blue potion.

A scandalized shriek from his left told him that Malfoy had also been hit.

"LONGBOTTOM!!!" screamed Snape.

"What have you done now, idiot boy!"

Snape towered over them, inspecting the damage behind his crooked nose.

"50 points from Gryffindor", he said smoothly.

Neville looked at Harry. He looked small, his panicky mind registered fleetingly...And smaller, and smaller each second!

"Professor! Harry!" Neville screamed.

Snape glared at Harry. He was rapidly shrinking.

"Potter!" Snape yelled.

Hermione Granger clapped a hand over her mouth.

"HARRY??!" Ronald Weasley shouted.

"SHUT UP!" screamed Pansy Parkinson. "Look at my Draco!".

In Draco's place, they could now see a small blonde baby with big blue eyes.

"Dada!" the baby cried and stretched his little podgy arms up.

Everyone stared. Even Snape, who had momentarily forgotten about Harry, until...

"WAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!"

Snape whipped around. The noise came from a pile of Potter's clothes.

Hermione ran to the pile and drew out a tiny baby in a big shirt.

"Shh..." she cooed.

Baby-Draco started bawling loudly.

"Dada! Dada!" he complained.

Snape stared at the offending creature, disgust etched in every inch of his face.

"Pick him up, Professor", the annoying Granger-girl ordered. Snape glared at her, and picked up Draco.

Malfoy stopped crying immediately. He reached up and tangled his tiny fingers in Snape's greasy, black hair, giggling gleefully.

Snape looked thoroughly put out.

"Draco", he growled out between his teeth, causing the little monster to giggle even louder.

Draco looked slightly older than Harry, and Pansy Parkinson pointed this out.

"Well, Malfoy didn't get as much of it as Harry did, Professor. Harry was a lot closer to the cauldron, after all, Sir," the insufferable know-it-all Gryffindor said.

"_Thank_ you, Miss Granger. I am well aware of that. 10 points from Gryffindor for stating the obvious," Snape snapped.

Ron was about to protest, but Hermione elbowed him in the side.

"Granger, Longbottom, take Potter and follow me to the Headmaster's office".

* * *

They reached the gargoyle.

"Sugar cane" Snape hissed, making it sound as if he was uttering the most disgusting swearword.

They went onto the staircase and the big door at the entrance opened, revealing the ever-cheerful Dumbledore, sitting behind his desk.

"Hello, Severus, my boy. Ah, and Ms. Granger, Mr. Longbottom, Mr. Potter and Mr. Malfoy."

His eyes twinkling was the only thing indicating that Severus showing up in his office with two babies was not an everyday occurrence.

"It...seems...that Mr. Malfoy and _Potter_ have been reduced to THAT", Snape said, jabbing a thump in the general direction of the babies, "Due to Mr. Longbottom's extraordinary incompetence", he grumbled.

Albus chuckled merrily.

The first sign that he already had an evil plan in his head.


	2. Snape in Hell

_Thanks to my wonderful rewievers!!_

**Snape In Hell**

Draco was fighting with Neville to put him down. The panicky wreck of a boy was currently attempting to pull the baby's fingers out of his hair.

"No! Draco, please! Please let go! Please!" Longbottom whimpered.

Snape had to hold back a snort. A sixth year student begging with a baby? How unusually pathetic. No wonder the boy was a Gryffindor.

"Severus? Care to explain?" The headmaster said, smiling.

"Lemon drop, anyone?" he added.

"YEAH! Candy, candy! Dada! Gimme CAANDYYY!!" Draco screamed kicking Neville in the stomach.

Albus chuckled and handed the greedy child a piece of candy.

"An accident happened in class. Of course it was all due to Longbottom's unique degree of incompetence." Snape sneered.

Albus looked stern for a moment.

"There, there Severus. I am sure that Mr. Longbottom did not intent to do this. We all have different talents".

Draco was staring at the old man, lemon-flavoured drool trickling onto Longbottom's robes.

"What will we do? I have to talk to a colleague in order to produce an antidote," Snape growled.

"Master Brunnings?" Albus asked.

"Yes, I will have to locate him first though."

"Oh, that won't be a problem. Master Brunnings is currently on a kind of "muggle expedition" in Antarctica. He sailed there. You know how he hates to apperate. Hasn't done it since that one time when he had to wait for the ministry to fix his other half. I believe it took them six months." Dumbledore commented.

"ANTARCTICA???" Severus bellowed. "But no owl will be able to fly there!!!"

"I realise that Severus, but we will just have to wait. He should be back in no more than two months."

Severus slumped into a chair, obviously on the verge of a breakdown.

"Two months?" he whispered to himself, disbelievingly.

"Calm down, my boy. You will simply have to look after the boys until he returns to the country."

"NO! Please, Albus! You can't do this to me! You can't do this to your Golden Boy! Please Albus! I'll do anything! I will eat muggle candy and watch that muggle veedeeo! The one with the two dogs and the Italian restaurant! Anything! I will wear a stupid hat for Christmas!"

Albus chuckled.

"Oh, no, Severus."

"I WILL AWARD POINTS TO GRYFFINDOR! 100 POINTS TO GRYFFINDOR!"

"Severus, listen..." Albus began.

"I WILL TAKE POINTS FROM SLYTHERIN! 200 POINTS FROM SLYTHERIN!" Snape screamed shrilly. Hermione smiled a little, satisfied that Slytherin had just lost 200 points.

"I shall never be cruel to another student again. I will be better! I will be nice to even Longbottom and Potter. I will change!" Severus pleaded.

"Severus, there is no discussing this. You will find that arrangements have already been made upon your arrival at your chambers. I know you have a hidden talent for children!" Dumbledore said.

Longbottom and Granger gaped at him.

Granger suddenly had a coughing fit.

* * *

Upon opening his door, Snape discovered that his chambers, his HOME, had been turned into a hellish nightmare, with teddy bears on the walls, frilly baby-blue curtains and a fluffy white carpet...

_Next we will see how Severus does as a babysitter._


	3. Babysitting

**Here's the new chapter. Sorry about the wait - I was extremely busy! Enjoy! Please R/R! Thanks!**

**Babysitting**

An hour later the Potions Master found himself re-reading the instructions on the baby formula.

"I am a potions master! Of course I can make a simple baby formula!" Snape thought angrily.

"Add boiling water...stir...is that clockwise or counter clockwise??" he thought despairingly.

He added the formula and stirred randomly. Potter started crying from the pen in the corner of the kitchen.

"Potter! Quiet! I'm almost ready with your bottle," Snape said walking to the pen.

The crying was only getting louder and more unbearable by the minute.

"Potter, what is..." He stopped when he caught sight of the babies. Draco was hitting the slightly younger Potter with a stuffed snake.

"Stupid baby! You is looking at mine toys! You not allow to do that!" he screamed indignantly.

"Draco, stop that! And they are not _your_ toys! You have to share them with Potter!" Snape growled.

Draco looked at him with big, blue, watery eyes. His bottom lip started to quiver.

"But – NOOOO!!!! I not want to share! He STUPID BABY! I not like him at all! Take him away!" he yelled, tears streaming down his face.

Snape counted silently to ten.

"Potter has to stay; like it or not. And you _will_ share...be a good baby, and stop yelling. I will have

food ready for you soon", Snape said flatly.

That seemed to cheer up Draco considerately.

"Food?" he said happily and clapped his little chubby hands in delight.

A struggle with the stove later, lunch was served, and Snape placed the boys in high chairs.

He soon realised that Potter was too small to sit up by himself, so he held him, supporting his head with an arm.

Draco stared at Harry, jealousy written all over his face.

"Me hungry!" he demanded, and slammed a small fist into the table.

"Yes, Draco, I know. But you have to wait. Harry is just a little baby, and I have to feed him first."

"I NOT WANT TO WAIT!" Draco screamed and started bawling loudly.

"ME NOT LIKE YOU! YOU EVIL! ME HATE STUPID POTTY!"

"Draco calm down! Or I will not feed you at all!"

Draco stopped crying only to stare at Snape with an expression that clearly suggested no one had ever dared speak to him like that before.

Snape fed Harry a bottle of baby formula, secretly thinking that Potter was not as insufferable as a baby.

He even caught himself admiring the cute little face and the deep innocent eyes.

He was suddenly overwhelmed with an urge unexplainable urge to take care of this little creature. A Potter or not.

Draco was pouting openly, tears still trickling silently down his smooth cheeks. Snape couldn't help but feel sorry for him. When Potter had finished the bottle, he put him back in the pen.

"There, Draco. Now what do you want to eat?" Snape asked, not knowing that was probably the worst question you could ask a toddler.

"Me want chicken and chocolate and candy and cake and potatoes and fish and steak and pepiment and lemon dwops!!!" he demanded enthusiastically, slamming his hands with his every demand. Snape stared at the child.

"I'll just get you whatever I have in store", he said flatly.

"NOOOO!!!"

Snape ignored him, and got some mashed potatoes with meat pieces stirred in it.

"Here you go!" Snape said, placing the food on the table.

"NOOOOO!!! I NOT WANT THAT! I WANT LEMON DWOPS!!!"

"Draco, stop that at once. You'll eat proper food".

After 15 minutes Draco surrendered and ate the food.

Severus put him in the pen, and went into his guest room. As expected, he found it covered in sickening colours and patterns.

On each side of the room was a crib, perfectly made with fluffy pillows and soft teddy bears.

In his now light blue closet he found baby clothes, diapers, baby towels and everything else he might need.

A big table (probably useful when changing diapers, Snape thought disgustedly) had been placed in one end of the room.

Snape got Draco, dressed him in PJ's and placed him in his crib.

Draco stared at Snape.

"I not want to sleep now. I want to play. Play with me Unky Seff. **NOW!**"

"No, Draco. You have to sleep now".

"ME PLAY NOW! EVIL UNKY SEFF! ME WANT DADDY! HE NOT EVIL. HE LOVE DWACO!"

"Draco, relax! You'll see your...erm..._daddy _tomorrow."

Snape got a mental picture of his long time friend, Lucius Malfoy, looking all tough in Death Eater robes...with a sign on his back saying: DADDY.

He snorted. No wonder the boy was spoilt. Lucius loved Draco. Especially when he was a baby, because back then Draco thought of Lucius as some kind of god.

After changing Harry (what happened to Potter??) Snape set up an alarm spell that would immediately tell him if one of the babies woke up.

He sat down in his big favourite chair with a nice strong brandy. He just realised then how tired he really was. Never would he again doubt Mrs. Weasley. How that woman had managed to work for the Order all those years with SEVEN kids was beyond him. She must be some kind of genius.

Or an octopus at least.

Next chapter: Lucius will make an appearance.


	4. Lucius Daddy Malfoy

_Here's a new chappie for you! Oh, by the way, this is for all my fics: I own NOTHING. Truly. Not Harry Potter, not warner brothers and certainly not ANYTHING else, whatsoever. I am POOR. The Weasley's look rich compared to me! So, don't sue!_ _**walks away to sulk over her lack of money** _  
__

_Chapter 4_

**Lucius Daddy Malfoy**

Severus woke up to the most infernal sound. It was like a siren...horrible...

He staggered out of bed, only to find a big flashing neon sign in front of his eyes saying:

Potter: hungry; needs fresh diaper.

He swore under his breath. What did these alarm spells have to be so loud ??

"Potter?" he growled waking in to the nursery. Potter was screaming and kicking his little feet around.

Snape picked him up, and rubbed small circles on his back.

"Hush now, little Harry", he said, sickening himself with his new-found sentimentality.

The baby quieted down. Snape went looking for a new diaper and quickly found one.

He thought that changing Potter's diaper was worse than anything he'd ever had to do.

Frankly he would rather give Hagrid a pedicure than repeat this experience.

However, when he had finally managed to put that impossible diaper on (who'd invented them anyway?) he found that he felt rather proud of himself.

It was now around 5 am, so he decided to make breakfast for himself, right after he'd given Harry his bottle.

The baby fell asleep in the pen shortly after (thank heavens!) and Snape started reading a book.

Suddenly he felt a small tap on his knee. He looked down and saw the frowning face of Draco.

"Where is ma breakfast, Unky Seff!"

Snape arched an eyebrow.

"I haven't made it yet, since you were still sleeping."

Draco's lips tightened.

"But hasn't Potty eaten??"

"Yes, _Harry_ has eaten. He woke up earlier than you did".

"Then why didn't you wait until I was up!"

Snape looked at the spoilt child.

"Because...Harry was hungry." he answered, deadpan.

Draco dropped to the floor and crossed his arms in front of his chest.

"I want chocolate!" he stated angrily, his face growing red.

"No, you'll have porridge" Snape said, getting out of his chair.

"NOOOOO! I wants chocolate!!! I NOT LIKE YOU!!!!"

Snape truly wished the child would just take a break!

Snape summoned a house elf, and two seconds later an elf named Pippit popped in.

Draco walked briskly up to the elf and stared up at him, barely reaching his chin.

"I wants CHOCOLATE! NOW! Stupid servant! Or I will hit you with a chair!" Draco screamed into the face of the shocked house elf.

"DRACO!" Sev bellowed.

"Do not speak to Pippit like that! Be nice!" he yelled. "Oh, and Pippit, if you would be so nice as to get some porridge for young Draco here".

"Of course, Master Snape" the elf said, bowing so deeply that his pointed nose scraped the floor.

_****_

While Draco ate, Snape threw a handful of floo-powder into the fireplace.

"Malfoy Manor!" he yelled and two minutes later he came back with Lucius.

"Draco????" Lucius exclaimed.

"Is that you, baby? What have they done to you? Was it the mean Gryffindors??"

Draco immediately pulled a tragic face, and threw himself, sobbing into Lucius' arms.

"DADDY! They's been so MEAN to Dwaco! Unky Seff is so stupid!" he sobbed, heartrendingly.

Lucius threw a nasty glare at Severus, who just shrugged his shoulders.

Snape explained all about the accident, but Lucius could hardly concentrate on his explanation, since he was way too busy cuddling and fussing over Draco.

Draco, of course, was enjoying every minute of this, now and then making a comment about how horribly he'd been treated and earning himself a new hug from his father every time.

Potter chose that moment to wake up. Snape fetched him.

Lucius stared at the baby Potter.

"AWW! He's SO _adorable, _Sev!" he said, making funny faces at the baby. At this Draco started to literally scream, and hit his father in the chest with small fists.

"NO! DADDY! POTTY STUPID!"

"Hey, Draco, baby...you're also cute!" Lucius said, patting Draco's blonde hair. Angry tears were running down his pale cheeks.

"You loves Dwaco?" Draco asked his father with his big baby blue eyes turned towards Lucius.

"Oh, of course I love, Draco!!! You know that!"

"You loves me _more_ than Potty?"

"You know I do, baby!" Lucius said, all panicky.

Snape suppressed a smirk. Draco had obviously been manipulative from the very beginning.

"How old are they, exactly now?" Lucius asked, concerned.

"I was going to ask Poppy today. Thought I would take them to the hospital wing just to make sure nothing was wrong, besides the fact that they are too young".

_****_

Next we will hear about the visit to the hospital wing!


	5. The hospital wing

_I'm back! It's been a few hectic weeks...been sitting up until midnight finishing boring work for school...anyway - enough babbling - here's another chapter! _

They entered the hospital wing. All the way there Draco had been attempting to kick Severus every time he lifted his feet. Severus ground his teeth, desperately wanting to tell him off, but Lucius only smiled and cooed at Draco for being "such a little bandit!"

"Isn't he wonderful?" My little Dragon!"

Severus nodded hesitatingly, and lifted little Harry a bit further up.

Pomfrey strode out of her office and greeted them.

"Hi, Harry, Draco, Severus, Lucius. I heard what happened. I will examine the children now. Let's begin with Harry", she said, her eyes twinkling lovingly as she gazed upon the infant.

She placed him on one of the beds and started checking him over.

"He's a healthy little baby, Severus. Around one month old, I'd say. He is well-fed and contact-seeking. And furthermore – he is absolutely ADORABLE!"

"I'll have a look at young Draco now", she went on, smiling.

"Yes", Lucius said, not lifting his praising gaze from his son.

"NOO! I NOT WANT TO LEAVE YOU!"

Draco threw one of his famous tantrums, and it all ended up with Lucius holding Draco in his lap, as Poppy examined him.

"He is a healthy three-year-old, Lucius. Although he could do with some more vitamins. He needs to eat more vegetables".

Lucius glared at Severus, clearly insinuating that this was all Severus' fault.

"What have you fed him!" he hissed.

"I've only fed him good healthy food! He only wants chocolate, but I didn't give him any at all!"

Lucius seemed to swell.

"You DENIED my precious baby his chocolate. How can you be so _cruel_? What kind of monster are you??! How do you sleep at night??" Lucius screamed shrilly.

Severus sighed, and decided not to start discussing this.

"I don't see any signs of them being de-aged. Or growing back to normal again any time soon...actually, they are perfectly normal little children. I hope yoiu colleague comes up with something, or else I am afraid we will just have to wait for them to grow up again."

Severus paled, but Lucius actually looked a little exited at the idea of raising his only child again.

Potter made small gurgling noises, and Snape shifted him in his arms. He looked at Severus and smiled slightly.

"He smiled!!!" Severus yelled, and the others hurried to his side to see for themselves.

"AAW!" Lucius said. He quickly hugged Draco as he felt Draco's small foot kick him in the stomach.

They went back to the dungeons and decided to give the boys a bath.

Severus found a small bathtub in the nursery. He brought it to the bathroom and filled it with warm water. Lucius was filling Sev's bathtub with lion feet with some...big...pink bubbles?!

Draco squealed in delight and tried to catch the bubbles with his hands.

"It's Rosie's Magical Bubble-bath!" Lucius exclaimed, apparently as fascinated as Draco.

"Wosie's Magcal Bubbath!" Draco said and clapped his hands, sending soap flying in all directions.

Severus undressed little Harry and lowered him into the small plastic tub.

He looked a little scared at first, but soon got used to the new experience.

When they were done bathing the babies, both adult and the bathroom were completely SOAKED. That's was, of course, all thanks to Draco and some peculiar wild movements he kept making with his arms.

They had dinner afterwards, which proved to be just as stressful an affair as the baths.

Draco was happily smearing food all over his face, and sometimes throwing food at Harry, but usually hitting Snape in the face instead.

Harry fell asleep in Severus' arms as soon as he'd finished his bottle.

They put the children to bed, trying to ignore Draco's wild protests.

"BUT! DAADDYYY!! I NOT WANT TO SLEEP YET!" he screamed dissolving in somewhat fake tears.

"Shh! Baby! Don't wake up Harry. You need to sleep baby. I'll read a story for you" Lucius said.

And so he did. Severus was watching Harry sleep, trying not to dose off himself, while Lucius read the story.

"....and then the little mud- err, I mean _muggleborn_ girl and the hippogriff mounted the broom and flew towards the moon. On the moon they met a wizard wearing cheese-robes. He had a..err...cell-.. cellypho...cellphone! Ah...another mudbl – _muggleborn_.. – and he called his very own thestral. The thestral fell in love with the hippogriff and.. " Lucius scowled at the politically correct text.

He put it down, and they went into Sev's living room.

Lucius sat on the couch, a content smile on his face. Severus fished a bottle of firewhisky out of his liquor cabinet.

"Dear Merlin; I never thought I'd be babysitting a baby-Potter." Severus said. Lucius shook his head.

"Are you going to open that bottle, or what?

Sev only grunted in reply and opened the bottle.

Half an hour later they were both pretty wasted.

"Swevrus...you are..so...irreSPONSHIBLE! You has a baby!" Lucius slurred, shaking a finger in front of Severus' face. Severus laughed – yes, Severus Snape actually _laughed_.

"Sure. How are things going with Narsi-Narsissisisa...si...sa?"

Lucius looked thoughtful for a moment.

"Well, a little...umm...she's cheating on me Sefrus! She ish fucking Avery. Stupid bitch...but I don't care...I've always been a fag anyway...she's alwaysh made sure sho remind me..." Lucius ranted.

Severus was shocked. He used to have a major crush on Lucius back when they were in school. Back then he'd kept telling himself that it was a waste of time; that there was no way Lucius could be gay.

"Sev?" Lucius said, suddenly sobering up a bit.

"Doesh my sexuality change anything?"

Severus shook his head slowly.

"Err...no...I mean...of course not! I'm gay too, as a matter of fact...I just never thought...well, I thought you'd hate me if I told you."

Lucius smiled reassuringly and they stared at each other.

Snape took a huge swig from the bottle. It was definitely easier to get wasted in a situation like this.

_Next we will hear about the students' reactions, and Sev and Lucius have to go to Diagon Alley – in disguise! _


	6. Diagon Alley

_Wow, two chappies in one night! Go me..._

"WAAHHHH!"

Severus groaned and turned around. Potter had obviously woken up. A loud screech emitted from the nursery – Draco had awoken too, it seemed.

When he got into the nursery Lucius was already there, cuddling Draco.

Severus picked up Harry and immediately realised that he needed to have his diaper changed. He tried not to gag as he changed the baby. Frankly, he would rather wash Voldemort's robes, than change another diaper ever again.

For breakfast they went into the Great Hall.

Albus was sitting there, eyes twinkling madly. He was undoubtedly smiling a cruel smile behind that long white beard of his.

All the students present gawked at their teacher and who they only knew to be a big bad Death Eater.

"I'm not a Death Eater!!!" Lucius whimpered, as all the Gryffindors glared at him. They rolled their eyes, and a few of them let out scoffs of "Yeah right!"

Severus knew Lucius was telling the truth. Even though many refused to believe it, the Dark Lord had kept Lucius under the Imperius Curse for a long time. Sure he'd never liked muggles, but Lucius wasn't nearly brave enough to join the Dark Lord and risk having his hair-do messed up in a battle. He'd never been strong enough to break the curse, either. In other words, Lucius was...well – a coward.

He'd never dared stand up to the Dark Lord, and therefore he'd returned to him on the night of the Dark Lord's rebirth out of fear – only to have the cursed placed on him again shortly after.

Dumbledore had taken the curse off of Malfoy and agreed to help him and had placed very strong wards on the Malfoy Manor in exchange for a lot of inside information that Severus had not been trusted enough to find out.

"Sev, protect me!" Lucius whimpered piteously.

Sev rolled his eyes.

Lucius was clinging to his arm as they went to the Head Table.

Minerva immediately began cooing at the babies and Albus pulled out a lemon drop, which was greedily accepted by Draco.

"LEMON DWOPS!" he screeched delightedly.

Lucius smiled and kissed the Headmaster's cheek in greeting.

Sev felt sick. And even more so, when the Headmaster reached out to be kissed by Severus. He gave him a quick peck on the cheek, as his own sallow cheeks turned bright pink. Albus beamed at him, and attempted to ruffle his hair. That was where Sev drew the line though. He did have an image to look after.

All the student goggled at him, and he pulled away from Albus in one long smooth movement.

Minerva handed him Harry. The baby stared up at him, a curious expression on his face. Sev couldn't help but tickle him. The other teachers smirked and Sev glared at them.

The entire hall watched in fascination as their bat of a professor fed the tiny Potter baby.

"Sev, we need to go to Diagon Alley. My little dragon needs new robes and toys and...we're going shopping! Ooh! I'll need to buy a hippogrif to drag it all back to the castle!" Lucius exclaimed.

Severus sighed miserably.

"But we have to dress differently - we will need to _disguise_ ourselves!" Lucius went on ecstatically.

Well, that _was_ true. It wouldn't do to have the Dark Lord kill them, and more importantly – have him learn the truth about Harry's condition.

It took them 2 hours to come up with a proper disguise, because Lucius refused to use Polyjuice Potion, saying it _hurt_ too much.

"Let me help you with that!" Lucius exclaimed, as Severus was attempting to pull back his black locks.

Lucius' elegant hands twisted Severus' silky hair into a tight bun.

"I look like Minerva!" Snape shrieked.

Lucius flicked his wand, making Sev's eyelashes longer and thicker, his lips fuller, redder and shining, and his cheeks a little more colourful. His eyelids were covered in a layer of black eye shadow and his eyes were marked with a black eyeliner. Another flick of Lucius' wand turned Sev's long robes into a dark green dress; very elegant with silk ribbons and such.

"I've got SO good taste. I told you, this is way more fun than Polyjuice!"

Lucius turned Sev's fingernails longer and plum in colour. His shoes were suddenly black feminine ones.

Severus spun around in front of the mirror, casting a critical glance at himself.

"Ok, I'll do it, alright," he growled.

Lucius smirked and started changing his own appearance.

He made big curls in his blonde hair, and tossed a few of the curl on top of his head where his fastened them with elegant hairpins decorated with diamonds.

His robes were turned into dark blue dress, his already perfectly manicured nails were turned soft pink and his face was suddenly covered in beautiful make-up. He spun around on his now high heals and looked pleased.

"Come, on. Let's leave Sev, and please try not to speak like a man. It wouldn't suit you now".

In Diagon Alley they were pushing the sleeping babies in front of them. They were both receiving interested looks from males of all ages. There was even a man around Albus' age who winked at Lucius.

"He would die from a heart attack before I was done with him", Lucius mumbled casually.

"Please! Don't give me mental images like that!!!" Severus whined.

They went into Madame Malkins to find new robes for the babies. Lucius had the poor lady show him her entire collection before deciding to buy at least one of each. Severus picked out some of the less horrifying baby clothes for Harry. Clowns and other muggle-things as decorations gave him the creeps.

He ended up selecting green clothes mainly, after complaining to Madame Malkins that they didn't have black baby clothes.

"But, dear Mrs! A little one like yours can't wear black clothing. He's just a baby, it wouldn't look right!" she said.

Lucius had started looking at new male robes for himself.

Malkins came over. "Oh, you are buying for your husband too, I see. Men always have terrible taste, don't you think?"

Lucius then started a long discussion on how most men just didn't get that dark green and forest green clash terribly when worn together.

As Severus watched them, he suddenly felt someone pinch his behind. He turned around and stared into the eyes of Remus Lupin. "Hello little lady. Haven't I seen you before? Has God lost one of his angels?"

"What?" Severus said, bewildered.

"Well, He must have – otherwise you wouldn't be here on Earth with me".

Remus got closer and closer.

"Are you related to Snape? No offence, but you have his eyes. That's not a bad thing, though. They are so deep and endless. I've lost my address, can I have yours?"

"Err..." Severus said, still not quite understanding what was going on.

"If you weren't so pretty, I would send you to prison – for stealing my heart!" he went on.

"Err...LUCY! Dear, we're leaving!" Sev yelled.

Lucius had just finished paying for his stuff and walked towards Snape.

"But! Don't leave! Your eyes are like bezoars, your lips like the sweetest wine, your teeth are like newly fallen snow and your hair is like the finest silk!" Remus declared.

Lucius smirked.

"I demand that we get out of here at once!!!" Severus barked.

"Of course, dear...err...Rose!" Lucius said. Severus arched an eyebrow at the name and hurried out of the store.

"If my love was made of gold, you'd be rich beyond your dreams! ROSE, my flower, my love..."


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

Severus and Lucius decided to take lunch in a small restaurant named Morgana's. The atmosphere was cosy and warm, with red colours and draping on the walls.

Severus was still very much upset about, what he in his mind referred to as "The Lupin Incident". The nerve of that werewolf! He suddenly felt compassionate towards all women in history who'd had to endure absolute fools like Lupin trying to "woo" them. Apparently Lucius noticed the disgust etched in Snape's face.

"It couldn't have been that bad. Even though he is a half-breed, he is rather nice looking. If you're into the "beasty" sort of men, that is," Lucius smirked.

Snape glared at him. "Yes, well..._Lucy_. He's all yours," he spat.

A waitress suddenly approached their table, ready to take their orders. Good, he was absolutely starving.

"A big, juicy steak for me. Red, but not quite raw, with a mountain of potatoes and sauce and a good strong red wine to go along with that." Severus said, passionately. The waitress looked at him surprised. Lucius laughed nervously. "Rose, honey, don't make silly jokes. We'll have a small chicken salad each, non-fat dressing, mineral water and for my Dragon we'll have spaghetti and meatballs…and a chocolate milk shake!" Lucius smiled at Draco, who in turn threw his arms up in joy. Severus fought hard to suppress his scowl. One thing was having to wear women's clothing, but it was a whole different matter, when he had to eat women's food too! Salad? Severus was not a bloody rabbit.

After choking down his disgusting chicken salad (white meat? He was a man, men eat big bloody red steaks, he thought to himself), they left the restaurant. Just when they had Apperated to Hogsmeade, they met _him_ again… walking out of the Three Broomsticks looking completely plastered.

"ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSE! Is that you? My shunshine! DARLING!" the infernal man shouted.

"Oh, my God", Sev muttered under his breath.

Remus was again too close for comfort; Severus could smell the alcohol on his breath, and Lupin's eyes were swimming.

"My very own fair Lady…"He grasped Snape's hand and kissed it. Suddenly the fool fell to his knees.

"Rose, my flower, I want to ask you…no, beg you: Will you marry me? I may not be a rich man, but I will love you….every night," he added, blinking at him.

This was where Snape started to get scared.

"How dare you! I have a baby, can you not see that!" he shrieked. It was outrageous. Never would he approach a woman with a small child. For all Lupin knew he might be happily married.

"I will raise her as my own!"

Severus swelled.

"HE IS NOT A GIRL! LEAVE ME ALONE."

"But..but….ahh…hormones," Lupin concluded. "I will come see you again, after your female hormones have calmed down. I understand what you're going through – the beast within and all that".

Severus started running in anger, pushing the stroller in front of him. The wind caught hold of his long dress, and it flew up, revealing his underwear.

"Oh, Rosie! You're such a dirty girl! Trying to tempt me, but I will wait…like a gentleman should."

Severus kept going, struggling with the dress, while trying not to lose control of the stroller…all he cared about was putting as much distance between himself and Lupin as possible.


End file.
